Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?