Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

The sacred texts.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary