Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

The Onion called it…again.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Stonehinge

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s