Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Not all heroes wear capes…

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Great Canadian literature.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*