Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Camping tip: No.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family