Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The United Steaks of America
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Showerkraut
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted