Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I want this so bad
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit