Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

Safety first

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?