[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time