[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.