Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Worlds greatest photobomb
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
this is the news I live for
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.