Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?