Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Who chose this font

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

placebo pills? more like sike meds

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.