*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.