Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Autocorrect is my menesis

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL