Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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Don’t make me out nice you.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.