Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.