Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!