Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.