Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The game has officially changed 😎
