Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

The news is so predictable nowadays

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.