Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf