Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

making sure he doesnt get away

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*