Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.