Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

twitter users today:

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

My patronus is a cheeseburger

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”