Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I just ran a .003048K
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭