Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?