Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
⛄️
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause