Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol