@brandonleecool

Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.

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@TheMichaelRock

Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.

@Lisabug74

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

@peachgrenade

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@EndhooS

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@robyn_vo

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

@Browtweaten

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

@SuperApple80

Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.