.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Sooo many times…..
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
my mind
You just read my mind
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.