[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Traveler’s camo
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!