Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

If I ignore life will it go away?

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance