Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out