*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
#titanic
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
About to throw up
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no