Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*