Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

How do dragons blow out candles?

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

accurate

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars