*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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is he marrying that labradoodle
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Pandas 🐼🖤
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is