*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
WWE is French for “yes”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?