Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

bro what is going on at twitter

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?