Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Lmbo

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

The most precious boy