Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard