Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*