Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾