Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

scared to check what name she chose

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur