Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner