[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
You Might Also Like
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.