Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother