Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?