I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
One of the best
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?