if a cop pulls u over play dead
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.