Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.