coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Living the best life.. 😊
Creative Problem Solving
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Erm…
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”