@50FirstTates

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

@LeightonSaysHi

He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn’t shower for two weeks. Now he won’t return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

@3sunzzz

You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@ohpegah

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

@AddledPixie

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

@T_Bonezzz

I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch

@tgilliland789

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her