coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

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wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”


Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?


Her: when’s my birthday Kyle


Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday


He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn’t shower for two weeks. Now he won’t return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!


To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.


You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.


Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.


INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments


“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.


I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch


He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her