coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs