Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Meme Monday.
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am