Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire