Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.