Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead