Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Need WebMD
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
ready to be harvested
No Google it does not
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.