Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.