Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high