Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up