Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me too, bag. Me too….
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Worst bar ever.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.