Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Yes my dude
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane