Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.