Coffee ain鈥檛 cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 馃槶
You Might Also Like
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
When I say that I鈥檓 on low battery and can鈥檛 talk, rest assured I鈥檓 never talking about my phone.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
people who sit in a long line and aren鈥檛 ready when it鈥檚 their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they鈥檝e done.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If Pok茅mon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn鈥檛 had a phone for long but he鈥檚 somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Pandas 馃惣馃枻
it be like that
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
馃ぃ
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.