Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
my astrological sign is a french fry
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Check out the legs on this baby
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
mom gave me mine for free
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.