Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder