Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
felt that
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night