Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
roses are red
i fall when i skate
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.