Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Oh hi lol

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b