coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.