coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Toxic snake
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
why isn’t thunder called soundning