The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
me: because I hate them
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours