coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Oh we’ve met.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My love language is deader than Latin
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.