@Lilblack_heart

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

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@Kbrizz1

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

@FredTaming

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@omically

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

@GrantTanaka

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@kendraaaleighh

For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours