Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

you’re so productive for your wage

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see