@amhw

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

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@Darlainky

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@s8n

Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@Spaziotwat

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

@dxblarssonENG

I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.

@AnkCoupleTO

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please