I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.
I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block
I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.
A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please