Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


Please stop sacrificing animals to me, Hell is starting to look like a zoo.


I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.


[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”


LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block


I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.


Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please