@amhw: Coffee: Because when you're groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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@panmidwest: [ping pong] ME: 3 to 2, my serve JESUS: M: can I have the ba- J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve M: [exhales] every time
@BraandoCommando: wife: what’d you do today me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
@AndrewChamings: [at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.