Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’