Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about