Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone