Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[at the general store]
me: one general please
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself